Saturday, 14 September 2013

In a Quiet Time

On the evening of 5th August 2013, I arrived at Lisbon Airport from a pleasant tour of five European countries and was facing an all-night journey by four buses to my home in the Algarve. As the melancholy of Portugal began once again to enfold me, I struggled with my luggage to the first bus, the Lisbon city one. I waited long, and finally it came. But, as I boarded it, my left knee seized up, I was in severe pain, and I could hardly move that leg.

The sombre people in the bus showed their usual lack of interest in me, and when I arrived at the huge Oriente Station other Portuguese only commented that my trousers were falling down. There were several hours to wait at Oriente, but just as well, because I had to recuperate.

I finally crawled rather than walked on to the coach that was going to the Algarve. Sitting in the narrow seat without being able to stretch my leg caused pain, but at least I could just let myself be moved on. The three hours on the coach went quite quickly. But when we reached the the first bus station in the Algarve, this bus turned out to be continuing westwards to Lagos rather than east towards my own home near the Spanish frontier.

Another passenger had to help me down towards the floor. People were being hurried towards the bus that was proceeding east to the regional capital of Faro, and one of the bus drivers, a class that is usually very unpleasant in Portugal, jeered at me because I could not pick up my heavy luggage. But he had to carry it nonetheless. I could not have done it myself.

As we travelled through the aromatic night of the Algarve, the white buildings and golf courses of Vilamoura, and the high rises of Quarteira, seemed like ghost cities, and I determined to get a taxi when we arrived at Faro. The enormous wait for the fourth bus towards my home, the likely difficulty of stowing the luggage and dealing with the driver, the grim journey, and the long walk from the bus stop to my house, seemed too much to bear.

Once again, I was helped out of the bus at Faro and my bags were placed around me at the seat near the bus-stop. Now I was alone. There was almost no traffic, no people, but, opposite, an all-night cafe that I occasionally used was open. I was hungry and contemplated trying to reach it. I got to the kerb and gingerly put my foot forward, but a great shot of pain made me turn back and sink back onto the seat and rest there.

Now a taxi came ambling into view. I hailed it, the youngish, blond driver quickly assessed my situation, and was soon helping me and my luggage into his cab with solicitude. I felt great joy. As we drove off, we began talking in our non-native Portuguese, and I learnt that this was Yuriy, from Ukraine. Soon we came to the suburbs of Faro, our talk turned to family and personal matters, and he told me that he lived in the city with his wife and young children. I experienced the usual disappointment of the homosexual. But then we came to the more countrified road, I fell silent, and it seemed a beautiful, peaceful journey, with few stars.

Finally, I directed him through the housing estates of Altura, and we drove up to my dilapidated villa, whose entrance was almost blocked by dark and forbidding shrubbery. The meter showed a little less than sixty Euros, but I had withdrawn that sum from the machine in the bus station at Oriente, and decided to reward my kind helper with a round figure.

He got out to help me into the house. I was nervous about its appearance, and cackhandedly dropped my keys into the vegetation. I would never have found them on my own, but a few seconds was sufficient for Yuriy to retrieve the bunch. Then, at my direction, he opened my postbox, which tended to be so difficult, and I had my post.

We cut a path to the front door, and the key was so stiff in the lock that I could never have opened the door on my own. But after a minute or two of struggle, Yuriy had his usual success. The electric light did not switch on, and I assumed that, as on many previous occasions when I had returned from journeys, the electricity had been cut off for shortage of funds in my Portuguese account.

But I was in my house now and knew the way to my bed in the darkness and had no immediate need to look at the post. I thanked Yuriy and told him to go, dropped my bags, and with a sob of mixed pain and joy staggered towards the bed and stretched myself out on the mattress.

About a week later, Yuriy appeared again to see how I was, and I was delighted to see him, and got him to help me with fetching shopping and cutting down shrubbery. But basically I was now alone in my house. Nor did this entirely displease me. For I had done so many journeys. Most recently there had been the four grand tours, and the two succeeding trips, which were more voyages of self-discovery. These paralleled the six extensive surveys of the five continents I had made in the years before my imprisonment. And in the long years I used to visit my mother's villa when she was alive there had been the five trips to Morocco and the sad one to New York.

Few people knew the world and the varieties of humanity as I did. And few were more sick of them. So seeing I was now more or less crippled, I entered what I have called my "quiet time", when I hunkered down in my house, did nothing I did not feel like doing, and restricted my contact with people in the settlement of Altura to the minimum that seemed psychologically sensible.

The best days of the whole period were the first three, when I saw no one at all, and did not go out of the house. The first day I just lay in bed, getting up to drink water and eat what little food was in the house - crackers with honey, dry cornflakes, and, with a supreme effort, the peaches that were just then in full bloom in my back garden (I called them peaches - they may be an analogous fruit). I managed trips to the toilet by arranging a row of strategic chairs to grip on to lest I fall.

On the second day I began the unpacking and arrangement on my shelves of the books I had bought in Paris, Heidelberg, Thessaloniki, Athens, Rome and God knows where else. By evening I had reached the stone table in the sunny garden with the remains of my amarguinha, the bitter-sweet almond liqueur that is such a typical taste of Portugal. There I leafed through the first chapter of The Sentimental Education by Flaubert, which I had bought in Aristotelous Square. In Thessaloniki I had just sat among the huge buildings curving down to the fabled Mediterranean with the book in my bag, but here in more homely Portugal I actually began it, with the sun setting directly between the lemon and the rose.

The next day I became very hungry, but by evening there was still one more peach that lay within my grasp, and I managed to reach it, and then, with a most determined application of what electrical know-how I possess, I managed to switch on the lights. So it was a further half-hour to stay up, sitting on my comfortable sofa, with Sarah Walker and Roger Vignoles performing cabaret songs on the turntable of my mother's ancient stereo system.

The following morning I was ready for my first excursion into Altura. I walked like a man of a hundred, but just down the road from me is the clinic of the charming Udo Pohlschneider, and in his relaxing consulting room overlooking the quiet square, with Buddhist music, and conversation in a mixture of English and German, he took away the worst of my pain. He had not been able to see me immediately, but at a nearby cafe I had feasted on cheese sandwich, milky coffee and fruit juice and leafed through H.G. Wells' Short History of the World.

It is now four years since I was able to enter into my mother's house, the third of the homes of my adult life that I did not choose. The flat in south London and the one on the southern outskirts of the Lisbon area came to me easily, they were in rough but pastoral city areas that appealed to me, and I loved them both, and was sad to get rid of them when the time came.

But my house in Altura was an enormous struggle to acquire. The streets surrounding it are hot, harsh and still. Although the place is a refuge, and although it is very large and even beautiful in its run-down way, I cannot help hating it. Pray God I do not live here for ever. In fact, I could not do so. I would have no money and die before my time. No one here would lift a finger to help me if I was without money.

The psychology of the Portuguese is a complex business. But these people have never been, like the Italians, the spoilt darlings of the Northern Europeans, gleefully living up to every clearly-understood cliche about themselves. And because they have not been loved, they cannot love in return, even though it is in their instinct to do so. They are not an unfriendly people, but they are not friendly either. Their attitude is a sort of blank, hidden, if necessary, under sympathetic words. And a deep sadness, only gradually lifting in modern times, lies over this country of neglect and shame. The sun shines, but not in people's hearts.

At the cafes I frequent I am served in near silence. The person serving turns away immediately I approach and does not return my initial greeting. Five minutes are allowed to pass before taking my order. I see a sign in one café that says, "In this establishment, people enter, order, pay and leave". But it also takes five minutes for them to allow me to pay at that café. If I settle the bill there with sufficient humility, my final salutation will be returned before the person quickly looks elsewhere.

Well, Charles, is it you that wants love? Is that delicious cheese sandwich not enough? Can you help them in their profitable drugs business?

The said business is  conducted partly on the beach just to the east of the illegally 12-storied hotel, which is owned by Miguel Madureira Celorico. This is the beach of Cabeço, found on land bought by the Angolan dictator for a golf course and luxury villas that were never completed and which is therefore now turned over to nocturnal landings when all the lights go out here in the last hour of darkness. Or it is conducted from the beach just to the west. Or, just beyond the Praia Verde to the east, there is the Ricocu ("Rich Arse") beach, totally deserted and the private property of a rich and distinguished but mafioso family.

Oh, well, Charlie, aren't your research skills, aided by your excellent knowledge of Portuguese, brilliant? I'm proud of you for finding all that out!

And, if you don't like the drug-importing Portuguese, perhaps you prefer the Germans and Dutch dealers who are waiting to receive the goods when it grows light by the caravan park or near the mysterious gently-rumbling huts by the hotel with barred windows and surrounded by barbed wire? Or perhaps you like the Bulgarians who work in the orange fields by day and deal and fight in the evening, all handsome and friendly with their dagger faces? And you surely can't prefer the Spaniards, even more adept with the drugs, who bang the food down on the table and flounce off with a metaphorical click of castanets, which your own sombre and preoccupied people would never do?

Yet the place where I live has a special mystery. The name Altura is said to derive from the Portuguese word for "height", but it is all almost flat land. True there is a very slight rise from within the settlement to the area of the EN125, and the local people always quote this as an explanation for the name, although this rise hardly seems conspicuous enough to qualify as an "altura".

There is also a story that many years ago there was a Senhor Corvo, a surname that means crow, who had an inn on the top of this supposed height, and heavily-laden travellers, going on foot with their goods from Tavira to Vila Real, used to point towards the inn, and say, "Let´s rest there on the heights of the Crow!" Altura's coat of arms even features a large and angry-looking crow, above nautical and maritime images, to commemorate this origin for the name of the settlement.

There is a variation on this story. The word "altura", as well as high ground, can mean "a period of time", or "a point in time". The other version, perhaps to make up for the fact that there is no height here, has the travellers saying, "Let´s wait until we get to Senhor Corvo´s and we'll get a rest there." The two phrases involved use the Portuguese prepositions "para" and "por" alternatively, and using one word or the other can give many subtle differentiations in meaning.

But, if they were waiting until they got to Senhor Corvo´s, if that was the important thing, why didn't the place become known as Altura do Corvo or Alturas do Corvo, rather than simply a word meaning "point in time? And there is a third variant to explain this obvious objection. The place, they say, was originally called Altura do Corvo, but then the "do Corvo" bit got dropped.

But  there is still a Senhor Corvo, a relation of the one who kept the tavern, who has a large supermarket and fruit business in the area and who owns considerable land north of the EN125 road. You see his lorries all the time. He is an influential man How would he feel about his name being dropped when it is the origin of the name of the place? Oh, these stories, with all their variants, are so unlikely. Pull the other one!

I have a vague idea what might be the real origin of the name Altura, but now is not the time to tell it.

And the beach area of the place is called Alagoa, which means "lake", although there has not been a lake here within human memory, only a horrifically smelling septic pool where the ghostly Dunamar urbanisation now stands. The origin of both names, or at least that of Altura, must be very recent and can hardly date back much earlier than the 1930s or 1940s, because there was hardly a place there until then, only various collections of fishermen´s huts huts near the sea, and five landed estates a little further inland.

The place name Altura does not usually appear  on maps (Alagoa sometimes does), although this is now a big settlement, which has the status of "vila", or "town", having been just a village between coming into existence around the 1940s before and the tourist boom reaching the area in the 1980 and 1990s. For instance, Altura belongs to the municipality of Castro Marim, but a map of the municipality at the entrance to that forbidding inland town simply shows an arrow leading to Altura, as if this authorities of this agricultural and highly conservative municipality had hardly heard of the area that is the source of almost all their revenue.

And, as I have said, very few general maps of the Algarve features Altura. Everyone who lives in the Algarve professes never to have heard of Altura. There are almost no postcards you can send home of Altura. Public transport between Castro Marim and Altura is almost non-existent, although these are the two chief towns of the muncipality.

And in the office of the Finanças (the tax authority) of Castro Marim, there is a map of the municipality, drawn up for tax purposes, and this shows Altura as if it were simply a very small place like hundreds of other little hamlets or collections of two or three houses, with the area of the town shown mainly as just a blank space, and the name Alagoa not appearing at all, as if vast numbers of rich people from many countries did not have their holidays homes in this settlement and as if the main source of tax revenue in the whole municipality did not rest in this seeming emptiness.

There are quite a number of such secret places in Portugal. They are large, but have grown recently, and everything possible is done to make sure no outsider becomes aware of them. Most of the crime in Portugal is centred on these ghost settlements.

The layout of Altura is also a little strange. There is no promenade, simply the huge hotel, an unlicensed caravan site, and a huge rectangular car park between them, and here where the main phone booth is situated right next to a heavily fortified tower house with ferocious, incessantly barking dogs. What centre of animation the place possesses is a little behind, at a forbidding  crossroads, where the Central Sports Café, with its few customers endlessly watching huge screens, is the somnolent centre of the village´s drugs trade - with its dependencies of O Carocho, just across the square and a little towards the beach, and the rascally Pescador, open all hours, on the beach itself.

For the rest, the low, white houses of Altura, almost empty except in high summer when vast numbers of mainly Portuguese tourists arrive - although there are always plenty of dogs rushing to the gates as one passes - seem to crouch secretively behind the hotel, like frightened chicks in the shadow of a vast mother hen. And in the ragged old main street, the Rua de Alagoa, and a few streets off it, live the silent, ancient and occasionally quite friendly fisherfolk.

I was delighted recently to find in the paper shop, opposite Central Sports, what appeared to be the first detailed map of Altura and the various nearby resorts such as Monte Gordo, Praia Verde and Manta Rota. But I was astonished to find that this map gave a totally false picture of the smuggling area to the west of Altura, showing a road to the hidden hamlet of Alto that does not exist, and pretending that the resort called Lota almost adjoins Altura across the Ribeira do Álamo, which it does not. In fact, the main route for smuggling leads from the beach through the very area whose existence is so drastically minimised, through the ghost-town of the Dunamar urbanisation. Then it makes use of the ecological cycleway, through a hidden entrance leading towards Alto, and thence to Manta Rota, the coastal road and the motorway.

(This and the next paragraph are an interpolation, added in the Tavira Public Library on 19th November 2016, in an interval of writing the post called "The beginning of the Good Years". After my return to Altura in early October 2016, I discovered that once again no detailed map is available showing the Altura area, which must mean that the map I saw had been withdrawn, perhaps temporarily, with what motive I do not know. Perhaps an updated map, with the false details removed, will appear after a decent interval.

And in the AliSuper supermarket in the main street, Rua da Alagoa, in the dingy upstairs room, I recently saw an aerial photograph of Altura which was similarly totally distorted, but this time particularly in showing the position of the hotel towards other landmarks. I pointed this out to the girl shop assistant. Shortly afterwards the shop suddenly closed for the winter, and is to re-open in April.

(Another interpolation from 2016. The AliSuper supermarket has now shut down for good.)

(And a fourth interpolation, which was originally written on December 30th 2016 and revised on 15th March 2017. When I returned to Altura in the autumn of 2016, after my second spell in prison, I noticed that almost all the streets had been given names, referring to Portuguese culture and history, or to local events. This gave a very untidy look to many streets where most houses now had two numbers, the original one referring to the urbanisation and that deriving from the name of a street.

But when on 27th November 2016 I walked around the Urbanização Dunamar, which has easy access to both the beach and much open land, I noticed that in the northern part of this area no street names or numbers had been attributed, and in the huge plaza surrounding the sunken green adoining the open land and the surrounding alleyways not a single house or flat appeared to be occupied.

I walked around this area again on 12th March 2017, and it appeared as much of a ghost town as it had before, but now the houses and blocks of flats had numbers. There were no obvious street names, however, and by walking around the adjoining area I managed to work out that a complex fraud had been carried out with the names of the streets, some of which had been changed while others had double numbers, so that it would be entirely impossible to for an outsider to work out the exact postal address of any building in the Urbanização Dunamar or in the neighbouring Aldeamento Alamar, where my own house is or, I imagine, in a large proportion of Altura.

During this period I also noticed that the foreign caravans had been moved much further from the beach to a point beyond the hotel, and that also a new walkway had been constructed from Cabeeço beach, the main smuggling landing-point, leading directly to the area of these caravans. I also noticed that the water-fountain near where the caravans had previously been, long disused, was now working again, and that a series of beach-huts on a path running parallel to the beach were now guarded by four moderately fierce dogs on the loose so that it has become impossible to traverse this path on foot. I infer from all this that the whole pattern of drug-smuggling in Altura had been changed, with regard to storage and routes, and perhaps even in response to this blog post, which has attracted a considerable number of hits.

Also very strange is that new numbers have been given to the higgledly-piggedly houses in the Rua das Flores, which has always had a street name, so that changing the numbers was entirely unnecessary. A very fine confusion has thus been created. This small and sinister street , near the centre of the place, the home of several old ladies good and bad, holds the warehouse, with two doors, coloured blue and white, and almost opposite the end of the Piratas Bar as you go westerwards, run by Leonel Batista Norberto, who owns the hardware store in the Rua de Alagoa, that I believe to be the traditional organisational centre of Altura's smuggling activity.

The warehouse forms part of a large, curving block on the south side of the street, with several residences lived in by various members of the extended family of the hardware owner, and the confusion of numbers that now exists in this small and sinister little street, close to the centre of the settlement, is immense, particularly on the southern side, which has odd numbers and where the warehouse is.

To summarise, No 1 is a small mean dwelling, lived in by a particularly unpleasant old woman, and then there are several secretive dwellings set back from the road, several more than would be accounted for by Numbers 3,5 and even 7. Then the block of the warehouse begins, and the previous No 7, lived in by an enigmatic old lady if ever there was one, the mother of the warehouse owner, has been renumbered 9, while the old number 9 still appears on a door a little further on.

There is a new number 11 a little before the warehouse as you go westward along the street, where previously no number appeared, then a new number 13 just beyond the warehouse, where again previously no number appeared, then two addresses again set back from the road with what seems to be only one new number, 15, and then another house which was previously 13 and has been renumbered 17, much to the displeasure of the quite pleasant old woman who lives there.

Then No 15 has been renumbered 19 and No 19  renumbered 21.

 Obviously the addresses of any person living in the large block, or indeed almost anyone living on the south side of the Rua dos Flores are now a total mystery to anyone, and I would hazard a guess that it was in order to disguise what is going on in this street that the whole huge operation of changing addresses in the whole of Altura has been effected.)

(A fifth interpolation, written almost five years after the original piece, when I had returned to Altura, in the early August of 2018, and all the signs of an unpleasant campaign of intimidation against me had begun. Just beyond the new number 11, a window has been whitewashed so that it is impossible to see inside, and the warehouse itself shows no sign of activity over many days, which makes me think that whatever was happening here has been moved elsewhere, perhaps in response to this blog.

I also noticed, on walking around the northern part of the Urbanizaçao Dunamar, the area around the square with the sunken centre, that this part of Altura seemed to be still astonishingly underpopulated for a seaside resort otherwise chock-a-bloc in the height of August, and that now, if there ever had been new street names and numbers, these had been removed, and there were only the old numbers of the blocks  of flats and no street names, with address-plates for residents almost uniformly empty.)

But, oh, Charlie, all these suspicious signs but so little based on concrete evidence! Just an expanation of peculiar house numbers which no one could be expected to understand! And everything in that sleepy and sinister place continues exactly as normal over all those years! Do you really hope to convince anyone with this strange stuff?

And , anyway, does it really matter that Altura, where a surprising number of people seem suddenly to lapse from Portuguese into Italian, is more an international criminal organisation than it is a place? Does it matter that the people loathe me, a homosexual yet strangely triumphant stranger in their midst, endlessly coming up with pert replies to their stony unpleasantness, or marching past with trousers falling down and carrying huge bags of shopping? Should I even worry if this is the chief Portuguese base of the Neapolitan Camorra?

For there is another side to the coin of my almost  total failure to  click with the people of Altura, and Portugal in general. It lies in the attitude of contempt and barely concealed hostility which I am able to unleash at any time and which contributes to the atmosphere of luxuriant solitude I am able to maintain at my house. I will give just one example of this. (I am now back to the early autumn of 2013, the "quiet time", by the way.)

I mentioned in a previous post that a neighbour called Josefa (not a Portuguese, a Galician) had offered some years ago to do my washing for the same price I would pay if I took it to the launderette. That price was Eight Euros Fifty. For a while Josefa did the washing at this price, then it became ten and, finally, by degrees, it became twenty Euros, however large or small the bag, or bags, of washing I gave her.

When my mother was alive, and suffering from Alzheimer, Josefa had given her a lot of free help, and her Portuguese husband António acquiesced in this, without approving of it. Later the couple were friendly and welcoming during the long years I was struggling to get the house, and since I have had it they have also been quite kind, being willing, for instance, to pay bills on my behalf when I am abroad, on supply of the money. They have usually, but not always, been scrupulous in repaying any change that was due to me. I have innumerable times visited their excellent, overpriced and totally empty restaurant in the nearby town of Monte Gordo. Recently I was able to negotiate a standard price of seventeen Euros for a simple meal: vegetable pancake with potatoes, a glass of wine, a bottle of water, and a small coffee, served with general hostility and occasional affability by Antonio.

I once liked them, or at least her, but not now. During the "quiet time", I started to kick up rough about the price of the washing. Josefa was hurt, self-righteous and adamant. She began appearing more and more often and earlier and earlier in the morning, first to collect the dirty clothes, and then to deliver them in many instalments, plonking them down on a chest by the door where I had created a decorative display of treasures from my travels. Then she would slam the door from the outside before I could close it myself. I was handing her the note of twenty in grimmer and grimmer silence.

I have been writing this post in stages, and the date as I continue today is 1st October 2013, almost two months after I arrived home. A week or two ago I visited the restaurant and sat outside in silence and windy discomfort. Now I was being served like a stranger, in the same way as in the cafes. Towards leaving time, Josefa attempted a more friendly conversation and mentioned the washing. I told her abruptly that I did not need her services in that department any more.

After a quick walk around the square. I picked a quarrel with her husband over a trivial issue. Then I waited for the lift that they always gave me back to Altura after the meal. He delayed longer and longer with the trivial business of the restaurant. Finally I walked out without saying anything to them. Then I sat on the beach almost crying with relief that I had got these people out of my hair.

A week later, I took my washing to the local laundry, and found with delight that they had dropped their prices, and could now do a very reasonable bag for twelve Euros. Today I went again, and the price has dropped to ten. It does my heart good to save on the washing. But I still feel slightly sad and guilty about the poorer relations with my friends.

And when one reaches the haunts of the English - the Tavira Treasure charity shop, say - the talk is entirely of possessions and material things and there is no comfort there either. "Always keep a house in England," one radiant old lady says. "It doesn't matter if you have one in Portugal, or France, or both, always keep a house in England. You never know when you might need it."

One soon turns away from such people in despair, but not before one has extracted a pair of serviceable trousers from them for one Euro. Then it can be fun to cross the river to the more flyblown Portuguese fair, and sink heavily onto a park-bench, plastic bags gathered around one, to finger one's new LP of The Merry Widow, eat a banana, and finally rise up towards the local bus.

So is the life of seamless apprehension and contemplation in the Algarve a tolerable road towards death? Well, as the poet Heine puts it:

Immerhin! Mich wird umgeben
Gottes Himmel, dort wie hier...

When I think about death now, I think of my favourite writer, Patricia Highsmith. Of course, she has her faults. Her delight in the charnel house of humanity may be rather too evident, and she certainly cannot tell right from wrong. But what a mistress of every department of the art of writing! What a grand explorer of what it means to be human!

I didn't go on with The Sentimental Education after that evening in the garden, although I thought the first chapter very fine, and turned instead to Ripley Under Ground, by Miss Highsmith. The title is to be taken literally. Ripley almost ends up being buried in a grave that he originally dug for someone else, whom he killed in a cellar, but he gets out of that grave, and pursues the man who had tried to bury him across Europe, to save him from suicide, but that man commits suicide anyway, and Ripley hacks at his body in order to burn and bury it, before carefully preserving the remaining ashes, in order to pretend that these are the remains of someone else, whom he, Ripley, impersonated, and who also committed suicide.

Am I any better than Ripley? Is anyone else? I have been in the dock at the Old Bailey for trying to get someone thrust into a car at my occupied house in the Algarve, driven over the border to Spain, killed there, and the body disposed of in the thick vegetation, to confuse the police. Was that nice?

And, on a more trivial scale, there are two people in Altura who are taking money off me almost every day under the guise of friendship. I said in a previous post that I liked the amusing younger druggy more than the rapacious old alcoholic woman. But a few nights ago I met Joaquim the Breba in the dark main road of Altura, and expected that he would greet me with his usual shouts of joy, but instead he came over to me, and stared at me so long and hard and so silently and with such venom that I thought he would hit me.

And the old woman, Dona Isabel, her constant wheedling for more and more money is almost intolerable. She sits outside the Snack-Bar Piri-Piri, and is one of a poisonous gang associated with the place. There is the flirtatious middle-aged owner who calls herself Arlete, her ageing and silent paramour Senhor António, and the handsome and violent younger Bulgarian Alex, who has a hold on Arlete. These are usually all in the rather insalubrious interior. But when I pass the place on the bus and see Dona Isabel sitting so silently and still and alone outside it, I am filled with a stab of pity.

And what about her young friend, or possibly her illegitimate daughter, the beautiful and refined and aristocratic woman who shares the Christian name of my favourite writer, who mixes delicate appeal with a smoker's coarseness, who is full of friendliness and civilisation and charm, but who regularly goes to Spain to smuggle drugs, with Dona Isabel to help her? Patrícia is widely suspected of having committed one terrible crime, and I believe she may have committed another.

And what of my mother, who slept in later years with the man thirty years her junior, Flávio José Custódio Rosa, the man whom I tried to murder, a person widely reputed to be her son and who would thus be my half-brother? Well, she did have Alzheimer's. She didn´t know what she was doing. She can't be blamed.

And, you will say, the worst of all, my father, that German soldier in Italy from the Second World War, will it ever be known what he has done, what horrors he took part in? Yes, but about two years ago, two months before his death at around the age of ninety, I managed to track him down to the small town in Northern Portugal where he was living with his wife of many years.

And they received me most kindly. I sat with them in their quiet room and we had pleasant conversation and they gave me a good meal. My father proudly showed me his basement workshop and he liked the present of a china elephant that I had brought them. The years of philandering and hiding and impersonation and a false marriage, the years of lying and killing, were gone. He was a silent but friendly old man. He cried a little in the evening of that day, when I was sitting with him in his sitting-room and his wife was in the kitchen.

And, two months later, he came into the sitting-room from the toilet. He just sighed softly and was dead.

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